Making friends has never been my strong point. I know many of you are thinking, what? because I am so talkative and loud and seem to be outgoing and confident. But really i am not. I am just loud :) I was the token loner kid all through my school years until College where I finally made some wonderful friends, but those same wonderful friends told me later that when they first met me they thought i was a bit.. um crazy and loud! I know. Really I do. I cant seem to help it, I have tried for 29 years now. I am crazy and loud but fun too! Cory always tells me that I am too overwhelming at first. I am really a great friend if you get to know me, but I cant seem to figure out all the rules of making friends and feel like I am about 15 years too late. I guess everyone else figured this out in junior high and high school while i was reading a book in a corner somewhere. I have found that making a girl friend is much harder than dating was. It seems more complicated and to be honest I was much more comfortable in a room full of men then I am now in relief society with all the women! Women are more complicated for me to read I find and they also will pretend to like you when really they cant stand to be near you. Which makes it really hard to know if someone wants to actually be your friend or if they are just being nice.
So now as a 29 year old stay at home mom in a new state away from all family and friends I find I am lonely and I want a friend or two. And not just the ones you say hi to at church because anyone that knows me knows that I talk to everyone at church. I want the kind of friend that you can call on a Tuesday afternoon and say hey my kids are driving me nuts today want to have a girls night out and make our husbands deal with bedtimes? But how do you get there? Its like dating all over again! Its awkward, you don't know what to say, you worry you are stepping over boundaries... You dont want to annoy them, but you want them to know you like them ( jeez do i sound like i am in the 7th grade?) I am always worried if I ask someone to hang out with me they are going to feel obligated to even if they don't have any desire to do so. And I am like a scared little 16 year old boy that doesn't want to get turned down so i never ask in the first place! Like my dear sister Thora once joked wouldn't it be great if you could just make an ad and people could respond like those dating sites but for friends
29 year old mom to 3 energetic boys who is a night person and loves to workout at the gym even though she is eternally going to be a size 10-12. seeking a friend who likes board games, talking, going to dinner without the kids, scrapbooking, going shopping so we can people watch ( and let me tell you there is some prime people watching at the midland mall!), and if you have kids that would entertain any of my kids bonus!
So what I am wondering is what do you all do in new social circles? Does anyone else have a fear of reaching out? I would love to hear what you do.
The Twins' Birth Story
11 months ago
17 comments:
Oh, you darling! Hey, listen...I don't think you need any advice at all because you're doing everything just RIGHT! You're bright, fun, energetic, and friendly. Hey, people are probably looking at you and thinking, "Oh, she's beautiful, but so sweet and ourgoing too." You were always so sweet and kind to me in high school, and now through through Facebook and blogs, your sweetness continues. I wish I lived by you so we could do some of those people-watching excursions!
I really struggle with this too. I've been in the new ward for a year now and still haven't made a friend. I try, but I am just as you described. Totally socially awkward. And on top of all that, I quit before I start because I assume that they probably have enough friends, and can't spare time to get to know a new one, so I just don't try. Todd's mom told me she had success when she decided to talk to (as in really try to get to know) one new person each week. And now she has tons of friends.
If you figure it out please let me know. Because I really need a friend too.
You and I are in the same boat.
I don't know if you remember last fall when Soren and I were dating, I'm generally pretty quiet until I get to really know people. It usually takes so long for me to warm up to people that people get tired of waiting and give up on me. The only way I get to really know people is if I have to. I've only ever made a really good friend through working with them, serving in a church calling together, or being related to them.
I'm in introvert through and through. Getting to know people, and especially being around lots of people I don't know is hard for me to do. Going to this new ward completely wears me out, partially from being an introvert, and partially because I'm pregnant and tired all the time, but mostly from being an introvert.
So far in Arizona I have zero friends, and I'm not really motivated to change that because I don't have the energy to. I think my lack of motivation is driving Soren nuts, because he wants to hang out with people, and do things with them, and I would rather just stay home. He's even gone as far as try to set me up with friends.
When you have this friend thing figured out let me know, and don't tell Soren. Maybe you should pray for a calling in Young Women's, at the very least you'll have a bunch of girls you can call to come babysit.
I'm with you on the friend thing. I made one real good fast friend up here, and then she moved. the rest of my real good friends are all via the internet.
You are so funny! Who WOULDN'T want to be friends with you? Your phone call the other night made me really sad you moved. I miss having you guys come over even if you usually left when Porter abruptly decided he'd had enough.;) Hey, did I tell you Nixon got into the Pingree school for this fall? That's beside the point. The friend thing -- I don't think anybody could resist being friends with you once you reach out. That being said, sometimes you just have to get burned by the phonies in order to figure out that's what they are. But the only way to find real friends is to try. You're going to be fine. Step one is realizing you're shy.;)
Okay, this is cheezy but when I was in high school I struggled with the same thing (still do at times). A friend recited a little poem to me that has always stuck.
I set out to find a friend and none were to be found.
I set out to be a friend and friends were all around.
I liked you from the first time I met you, sweetie. I never called you after we had you over because I was getting sicker and sicker then I found out it was cancer and well, we just got really distracted. You ARE nutty! That is why I liked you.
Hang in there and just get out as often as you can. You will make a lot of friends here.
By the way, one of my very best friends invited us over for dinner when we first met, we ate then she promptly said, "Well, thanks for coming!" and kicked us out the door. I thought she was really weird. Fast forward 3 years. We were talking about that night and she said she remembers that she was pregnant and really sick. She just wanted us GONE! Good thing I didn't hold that one night against her because she turned out to be a very close, dear friend. People are generally moody and you will have to go with the flow. Just because someone may not like you right away or vice versa doesn't mean that over time you won't develop a close realationship. We have a lot to choose from in our ward and in our community.
Good luck!
I think it's funny that every commenter says the same thing about having a hard time finding friends. I wonder if anyone has an easy time with it, really. I know that I don't.
When we moved here, I decided that I really wanted to make friends, so we worked on inviting people over to our house. Maybe a family every two weeks, or something. Then you'll have the chance to get to know people better, and people are nice - they just don't usually reach out first. I know that I usually don't reach out first. Good luck - good friendships just take time, sometimes. Also, you should give people cookies. That'll make them like you more right off the bat
(I totally get you - I think I'm a loud introvert. Is that possible?)
ME TOO! I try to explain that I am shy and they do NOT understand me. They think because I am loud and talk alot that I must be really outgoing and confident, when inside I feel totally awkward and keep analyzing my actions to see if possibly they really hate me. I hate that I always analyze myself.
I have a hard time finding close friends. I have a million acquantiance friends, but only like 2 close friends that I feel like I could call anytime. And one of them is my sister in law. I mostly just call you and Thora to talk things out. Speaking of which CALL ME!!!!!
Anyway I love you and I wish that I could be your friend and we could go people watch at the Midland Mall! That sounds really fun :)
Love ya
Mary
I think you've stuck a chord. Most people evidently do feel awkward in new relationships and it is hard to become part of the established group. Probably most people out there are lonely.
So As I am reading this I hear you saying this a million miles a minute. ;) and I know how you feel. I think we are all on the same page about the friend thing. My big hang up right now is Jared keeps having people ask him why I am so pissed off. I guess, when I am deep in thought or tired or just being me I look realyl pissed off. (how would I know I don't carry a mirror around to look at myself all day long). Wish you were closer and we could hang, like the old days in New england- cause they totally rocked! :)ps I miss you blabber mouth!
Take on two things I LOVE about you: 1. Smile - smile all the time it lights up a room. 2. Listen - you are a great listener!
I will pray that you develop good friendships - after all friends are like really good sisters!
Ok, I've started this stupid comment three or four different times and they all seem to be coming out wrong. I think that is why it is hard to find new friendships. Some times what we mean to say isn't communicated well. Making friends takes time to understand what people really mean by what they say.
That said, I'm really looking forward to Wed and getting to know you better!
This is probably the fourth or fifth blog I've read this year where the writer expressed these same feelings. And I don't read that many blogs. I have felt the same way. I'm going to share my 3 rule. It always takes 3. In 3 weeks you'll know someone's name. After 3 playdates you kinda know if this person is for you. In 3 months you'll have a friend and be a little more comfortable being you. In 3 years you'll have a bosom buddy! Its always the same 3 months after pregnancy; the first 3 days of a hubby being out of town are crappy; 3 years in a new city before you realize it really is home. That my 3 rule. Silly, but true. I love you!!! Austin is what, 6 hours away? That's just a hop, skip and jump in Texas!
be brave. Say what you are feeling. i was in this ward for 2 years before I had friends. One day this cute girl approached me at walmart and said she was in my ward and I was playing with my cute little girl in relief society and that's like it. 6 months later she calls me and asks me out, pretty much. She got a girls night out of a few girls in the ward that she kind of knew and when I asked her why she made a girls night she said "I was sick of not having friends" I was so impressed that she would be so honest. It was how I had been feeling but I would have said some other less needy sounding thing. Now her and I are great friends and I have gotten brave and made a few girls nights and gotten to know other girls. I also find serving in the church is great. Call the compassionate service leader and tell her to call you if she needs meals brought in, or since you have kids and can't do anything anyways, when ward things come up like temple night or whatever, volunteer to baby sit some other kids right in relief society, that is a fast way to make friends.
Okay, so granted, I didn't read all your posts. But I did read at least the first half. I don't have a hard time making friends. I never have. I could find a friend anywhere - I even made one on a cruise boat in China. That being said, I think the best advice anyone can have about being a friend is to put yourself out there! I never knew you wanted to be my friend until I started calling you and inviting you out. And yeah, I was worried you'd say no, but if you really didn't want to go with me and I pestered you enough, I would hope that you were enough of a person to tell me the truth. If the other people have a problem with you and they don't say it, its just it - their problem.
We may never have become such good friends if we both hadn't stuck our necks out there a bit. Maybe look for a person who's kinda loud like you - I tend to gravitate either to people who make comments (in church or other places) I can relate to, or who look like they need a friend. Invite them over once. If they seem like they had fun and you had a good time, go for a second time. Assume the best. People in general are nice and caring. It isn't a bad thing. I don't want to sound preachy, but you know, "Fear is of the devil" and along that same line, so is loneliness. God didn't give us brothers and sisters so we could spend our time on earth alone! There are friends everywhere. Will you find a super fantastic one on your first try? No, probably not. Will you have some attempts that simply fizzle and never go anywhere, yes probably. But will it help you in your progression ? - yes I think so.
Anytime you open or expose a weakness it is hard because it is a weakness. What is it Ether 12:27 says? Hmmm, something to consider. Most important - just reach out ( I feel like an old AT&T commercial). There's a song I like, I often get my inspiration from songs, called Hold On.
"Anyone who's ever tried and failed, stands much taller when the victories won. ... And when it seems you've struggled for awhile, just hold on, hold on, the light will come. Its a message every one of us must learn, that the answers never come without a fight..." That isn't just true of answers, its true of everything important!
Camilla, you know, and I hope you truly know, and not just feel, that I sincerely love you. It isn't something that is light or superficial. If you and I had never decided to turn our weaknesses into strengths, I may never have had another opportunity to know you and love you. You are an amazing woman that has so much to offer a friendship. There is a friend there for you.
Just Hold On - there will be light.
We are moving back to Utah for one of the main reasons is lack of "friends." OUr ward is the LEAST friendly ward we ahve ever been in. With the resolve to do better in a new place I have all these ideas of how to be "better." I think it is the trend of the women in the CHURCH or even women in general to long for friendship but yet surrounded by women they have no friends. I wish I had gotten to know you better. I think of you as a friend but understand where you are coming from a milion times over.
Good luck with friends isn the new place!
Camilla, I can't imagine anyone not liking you! You're great! Anytime you want to go to the movies or the store or a restaurant, just call. My kids are old enough to leave at home, (thank goodness!) so I'm good to go! Let's do something this weekend? Maybe, we can get Heather to go with us, too! See ya, friend!
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